Duplexity

Further Adventures in Garbage, Laundry, and Being Neighborly

It’s garbage night, but I’m refusing to lift a finger – on principle.

You see, my new home is a duplex (well, rather, half of a duplex, duh) and while my landlords kindly include garbage collection fees in the rent, they’ve only sprung for one receptacle. One bin for two households. Not a great situation, although it should only pose a problem on holidays or if one of us goes into Purge Mode.

I never suspected that things like a washing machine or said garbage can would present philosophically challenging scenarios, but the truth is, my neighbor – whom I never see, by the way; I think he works nights – hasn’t taken the garbage can to the curb once since I’ve moved in. And yes, he’s contributed plenty to its contents. I’m not even really supposed to be handling stuff that heavy, but I figured (the first couple of weeks) it’s only fair for me to do it half the time.

Last week I figured I’d let him do it, only he didn’t.

A pattern is resolving itself before me. He doesn’t clean the blanking lint screen in the dryer, either.

Our units are obviously attached, side by side, but the only shared space we have is the laundry room by the back door. You’d think a guy who works third shift and (supposedly–there are usually two or three vehicles in his driveway) lives alone wouldn’t be doing laundry at all hours, every day, yet it seems every time I need to do it, he’s left a load in the wash or in the [no doubt lint infested] dryer. In fact, I take the dog out back several times a day and there always seems to be a load going, or just left there. Hmmm, maybe I should keep tabs on my Gain.

Now I’m not a selfish person, but these things irritate me. If I wanted to deal with backed up garbage and queuing for laundry time, I’d have moved into an apartment building! Believe me, I’ve lived in plenty of residential situations: houses, flats, dorms, huge apartment complexes, townhouses, and even a tiny efficiency when I first moved to Madison back in the day. Heck, that entire apartment could probably fit in my bedroom here. But this is my first time in an honest-to-goodness side by side, built that way on purpose duplex. Part of the slightly higher rent is for the relative privacy, is it not? I expected to feel less…connected….sigh.

Did I mention the smells?

This house is probably 60-80 years old, but it’s been refurbished very well on at least one occasion, and thoroughly modernized. You can only tell it’s older because of things like the woodwork and the electric heating. At some point, and my landlord confirmed this, the old duct work was renovated to provide ventilation, and somehow the two units ended up, um, sharing air that circulates through some fancy vent system. (The same system handles the exhaust fans and dryer exhaust.)

Which is fine. I mean, air is nice, and I am happy to have fresh air as opposed to a buildup of carbon monoxide or something – but what I wasn’t prepared for was the smell! I can smell when the neighbor cooks, burns candles, whatever. Occasionally it’s, er, bathroom smells too. P. U.

Which means that he can smell what I’m cooking. And what incense I like. And other things. Gods forbid I have a party and someone lights up. Or if I eat too many tamales.

But right now I have more pressing matters on my mind…. I’m eying that garbage can. Come on, neighbor, be neighborly.

Deja Do

This is a not so vaguely familiar feeling.

I want to do stuff, and I can’t because I’m stuck waiting for a delivery. Sheesh, I waited on fewer FedEx and UPS drivers when I worked in an office. And why? I have to sign for a package. Absolutely have to. Normally, this wouldn’t present too much of an issue – if I missed the drop off, I could just call and reschedule it. But I can’t call, and therein lies my quandary.

I can’t call, because I’m waiting on a phone to be delivered. If this sounds familiar, you’ve read my blog before… this time it’s not my phone that’s the issue (it’s a cheap-ish but serviceable Kyocera Android paperweight… er smartphone). It works fine, no issues with it whatsoever. In fact, I can still check my email, get the weather, and even – if I were so inclined – edit and upload this entry with it. Thank you, wi-fi!

And I don’t even have THIS abilty…

The problem is my signal. Wait, scratch that. The problem is my lack of signal. I moved into this duplex at the beginning of the month only to realize that the phone I finally, two short months ago, shelled out money for, and my new, almost-too-good-to-be-true, all-inclusive cell plan flat out don’t work here. It’s a dead zone, as they say, with NO national carriers maintaining towers here. There are local and regional ones, fortunately, but of course they are more expensive. Like twice as much as I’ve been paying Virgin Mobile, at least.

I have been surviving through email and Google Hangouts (for chatting with the kids) when it comes to my communication needs, but it’s been infuriating not being able to make calls, or receive calls – at all – without literally driving ten miles down the road. And, though I am sheepish about admitting it, I have realized just how much I’ve come to rely on the convenience and concise nature of the simple SMS text message.

It doesn’t work so well to email my daughter and ask her to pick up a loaf of bread on the way here, when she (naturally) isn’t going to be routinely reading email en route. Not to mention, my dear sisters tend to keep in touch with buttloads of texts, so I find myself reading their emails and scratching my head about news of which I was supposedly already informed. That’s not terrible, as they live 3 to 11 hours away and therefore will not be required to buy bread on their way to see me, but the point is, I have doctor appointments to make, I couldn’t call my landlady when the washer was busted, and I kind of like getting the occasional cute picture from my friends via MMS.

After a lot of headbanging (not of the musical type) and research I finally found a solution: Net10 wireless is relatively cheap, has all-in-one plans, and most importantly has service in my area – this fact was verified by my daughter’s boyfriend, who was miraculously able to place and receive texts and calls from within my own living room using his Net10 phone. I was pretty excited at first, until I found out that my current, almost brand new phone is not compatible for Net10’s ‘bring your own phone’ service. And since it’s a no contract thing, that means no sweat deals on a new phone. Still, parting with the bucks for a new (also cheapish but hopefully equally, if not more serviceable) Android device seemed more reasonable than signing my name in blood for a two year, crazy expensive contract plan with some small-time cell company just so I could get a more updated toy (er, phone).

So, here I sit, waiting on the phone delivery. All I know from the tracking information is that it’s coming “sometime” today. Yeah, that narrows it down. But if I start playing games, jamming music, or heaven forbid, play fetch with the dog in the back yard, I’m not going to hear the doorbell. And I’m not driving ten miles to call and tell them to bring it back! FedEx had better come through soon though. I’m hungry and I don’t feel like cooking (hey, I bet that also sounds familiar to my readers) so I want to go to Subway. It’s only a three block walk, but with my luck, that three blocks would mean ding dong ditch and yet another day without a working phone. Eh, I guess it can wait… my stomach’s grumbling though.

Perhaps my next entry will be about why I am going to Subway. Because it’s the ONLY FREAKING QUICK SERVICE RESTAURANT in this burg! I thought Waupaca was small – this town’s a bit north of it – now I know what small really is.

Ooh, dog barking…. please let the doorbell ring, please let the doorbell ring, please – wait, does my doorbell even work?

Ones to Watch (or, um, listen to?)

I would probably be posting this entry even if it didn’t involve my son, but as it happens, there are two local projects I feel deserve some recognition and Alecks is part of both. The good news is, you don’t have to live in the Waupaca area, or be related to me, to feel the love.

First is a programming group that’s bringing some fresh imagination and innovation into game design. While I’m pretty much sworn to silence about their current projects, I can provide a link to Apartment 8 Studios‘ web site and tell you that there is some serious cool emanating from their collective conscious!

Here’s a teaser pic for you, too.

As a hero, Twitchy is… spork-tastic

The other project Alecks is involved with is an Internet radio show called TommyDWorld. With live studio shows on Wednesday nights from 9 to midnight, Central Time, it’s a venue for local talent to be showcased, for ribald exchange of ideas (sometimes even kind of intellectual), and of course good tunes. Aside from listening, visitors to TommyDWorld can take part in the action via the live chat feature. Just beware that whatever you say, no matter how embarrassing, may be read on air…. oh, you can tweet, too, if you don’t feel like joining the chat.

I’m proud to support, in my own small way, local folks who are daring to be different and potentially making big names for themselves. Nice job, gang!

A Room with a Zoo

This gallery contains 4 photos.

Being the further adventures of our hero and her faithful sidekick, The One Bark Wonder Life in Kentucky is slowly fading into memory. It was about two months ago that Baya, myself, and my worldly possessions rolled up the driveway at my friend’s house, ready to once again call Waupaca, Wisconsin home. And more than […]

Zoned Out!

My long absence from the blogging table is nearly over! I have been working on several long, nifty (in my opinion) entries but they are all fancy, with pics and all, and I haven’t had much time to polish them up. So, in the meantime, this short post.

The big news: I’ve moved back to Wisconsin. It’s a long story but the two big motivators were missing my kids and my healthcare situation. I already miss my Kentucky family – but as I’ve mentioned many a time, the Dairy State is as much home to me as the Bluegrass State. Nothing wrong with claiming two home states, is there?

I was supposed to have my first doctor appointment up here yesterday. Didn’t quite work out. My lesson: if you make an appointment when you live in one time zone that will take place in the time zone you’re moving into, your phone’s calendar WILL mess it up.

Oops!

I’m also finding that I’m still existing on Eastern time – waking up earlier, going to bed at crazily early hours (before midnight, for crying out loud!) etc. I’m currently looking for an apartment to rent and staying with a friend – more on that forthcoming. Anyway, just wanted to check in and give y’all a quick few tantalizing tidbits.  Oh, and PS – there are some cute little houses for sale here, if anybody wants to buy me one.  You know, like for kicks.

Coming soon!

– How to completely alienate yourself in an MMO (or how not to be a courteous, sensible player)

– Board to Death: my adventures in dog land

– The Butterscotch Legacy

Until then, adieu and ciao and hail, and happy trails to all.

My Proposal to the Travel Channel

This can be Travel Channel’s new logo. At least part time, you know, like when they’re promoting my show.

I’m gonna be famous!

I don’t watch a lot of television. Never have. But now that the kids are grown and on their own, I miss the sound of their bickering at each other during dinner. (Okay, we used to have interesting, non-inflammatory conversations over the evening meal too. Sometimes.) So, as I have told them, when it comes time to sit down for supper, I usually flip on the tube. The noise helps, and my dog, who quickly learned that if the TV gets turned on, food’s going to follow, assumes the appropriate begging stance and wields her cuteness weapons.

For some reason, I like to watch the shows that tend to be on the Travel Channel at that time of evening, especially Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern. Face it, the host has a great demeanor and he really has a way of exploring the culture in any place he visits. Yeah and the gross out factor’s pretty cool, too, although I am a far less picky eater than most. I have yet to meet an organ meat I like (but I’d try liver again on national TV, I suppose, and just hope I didn’t yack in front of millions). I also absolutely detest walnuts. Love other tree nuts, practically worship peanuts, will not eat walnuts. Other than that I’m pretty much game to whatever.

To my dear vegetarian daughter when you read this, I apologize for having said that. Well, not really, but I hate to think of grossing you out.

Anyway, it’s gotten me thinking, all this travel show watching, of how much I like to travel. I’ve never had the funds to go far but up until I got sick we made it a point of hopping into the Jeep and exploring wherever we could go, generally camping and hiking when the weather was right. We also made frequent day trips to festivals and regional cities just ‘because.’

So, for posterity, and on the long odds that some Travel Channel god reads this post, here are my ideas for some shows in which I would be your esteemed, friendly, witty, knowledgeable but down-to-earth host:

 Places I Would Visit If I Had Money

Places I Can’t Visit With My Friend Bonnie Because She’s Afraid to Fly

(these are just working titles, mind you)

How Medicare Paid for My Vacation (I wish)

If I Could Afford to Kennel My Chihuahua…

Yeah, I Know You’re Jealous

Vacations Paid for by Others

Wish You Were Here! Not!

Hotwiring Yachts 101

The Arthritic Traveler

Destinations With Citizens Even Poorer Than You

Europe On One Euro A Day (including airfare)

Extreme RVs for People Who Can’t Pay for Them

Free Cultural Exchange Through Foreign Prison Systems

and my personal favorite,

The Ultimate Stowaway Adventure

You know, they sound just peachy until I realize that the target audience of any shows with those names would likely be octogenarians or trailer trash. Which says something oddly poignant, and somewhat disturbing, about me…

Ha… well in all sincerity, I do believe that travel shows geared towards people with disabilities would be awesome. And how about a show that gives folks with pets (who want to travel with them) ideas?

Now to sit back and wait for that fated phone call (oh, Travel Channel god, you can just tweet me, since I’m not about to post my phone number or email here). More likely, it’ll be me turning on the tube at dinnertime in two years and seeing someone ELSE hosting my idea. And I’m sure it’ll be because they don’t want to fix my teeth up to look purty on TV… I know, the guy from “River Monsters” gets away with it but he’s got that wicked cool accent. Well, all I can say is, good thing this blog is dated!

I’ll settle for the lawsuit money, as long as it means I can visit Britain or somewhere neat someday. Alas, the world may never know my true potential as an ambassador of goodwill around the globe, but I can live with that. Now, where’s that remote? Dinner’s over.

My Two (bit)Cents About Bitcoin

preciousbtcOkay, first I must apologize for not having posted in ages. Health hasn’t been so great, but moving right along…

Bitcoin is something that many ‘mainstream’ folks are just now becoming aware of, thanks to some recent media headlines. I have personally been aware of the cryptocurrency concept for years, although until recently I was admittedly ignorant. I don’t remember who first explained bitcoins to me, but I do remember that I was left thinking they were a potential alternative to payment services like PayPal. I was right, kinda, but I was more wrong, and here’s why.

No, I am not going to go into an in-depth explanation of Bitcoin. There are existing web pages which do it far more eloquently than I can. For a ‘noob’ view, check out this explanation. For more in-depth information, including all the tech terminology to excite the inner geek, I highly recommend the Bitcoin Wiki.

Go ahead and read if you want. I’ll wait patiently.

At any rate, for those of you who want the quick and dirty answer, here’s mine: bitcoins are an actual form of currency – decentralized and virtual, based upon technical security and created through ‘mining’ (refer to the Wiki if you want to learn more; it’s complicated). They can, in effect, be used to purchase a buttload of products and services – an ever growing list, actually. They can also be exchanged like any other currency, although the process for doing this is a bit convoluted. Credit card companies and PayPal are leery of anything do to with the BTC market, and the reason lies in the fact that bitcoins aren’t a currency recognized, generated, or protected by a country. They’re global, and yet they belong to no one group. You would be correct in guessing that the US government isn’t fond of them, either, but their legality is arguable either way, and if you decide to experiment a bit with the Bitcoin economy, it’s highly unlikely that the feds will come breaking down your door.

Okay, so here are these coin things…. you can get them by buying them or mine them yourself, or even get a miniscule amount of free ones through various web programs, but what can you do with them? Theoretically, pretty much anything (and yes, they are used by certain unsavory types to do less than ethical or legal things…use your imagination; but the majority of bitcoin users are just regular people). In practice, it’s limited as yet but I’ve browsed the trade listings and among other things, people can buy electronics, precious metals, jewelry, gift cards, pizza (yes, pizza, delivered, can you smell de cheese?), and lots of other things. You can also get internet services and use it as an alternative payment method for things like web design.

I’m not really into this for buying and selling though – the idea of potentially doing some freelance work for bitcoins has occurred to me in a possible future sense but that’s about it. Nor am I saving bitcoins thinking I’ll get rich someday. At the rate I’ve accrued them, which includes some pooled mining, it’d take me a good six months to get even one whole bitcoin (currently worth about $140, although that number changes all the time). No, I’m in it because it’s interesting. And I think that most other people are too.

Lots of press recently seems to marginalize the Bitcoin community as being either paranoid libertarians, thieves/drug pushers, hackers, or techno geeks, all on the very fringe of society. I say ‘not so!’ Just from browsing forums and looking around at who and what’s out there, I think there are a whole lot of people like me. Bitcoin is an experiment, nothing more. (It even says that right up front on the official Wiki.) It could boom and we could all become millionaires; highly unlikely. It could bust altogether and we all cry. More likely. But I think, most likely, the concept is going to continue because it’s interesting, it’s unique, and it sort of challenges the whole idea of what money is and how our world uses currency today. Perhaps it will evolve into something more, or inspire similar experiments (Litecoin is one such already underway). Whether it succeeds or fails, though, I believe that cryptocurrency in some form is here to stay and that the world will, ultimately, be better off for that fact.

The Insurance Shell Game

Who’s Scamming Who? Pretty much everybody except the vast majority of end customers.

Cases in point:

1. I recently found out the projected copay for a medication I need to treat my psoriatic arthritis. It’s $750 a month. And that’s after insurance. Note that said medicine is advertised to the point where it’s become a household word, yet the percentage of the population who truly needs it or should take it despite its laundry list of potentially deadly side effects is rather low. Although patient support programs offer help with this steep cost, I don’t meet the financial criteria for any of them (I’m just ever so slightly not poor enough, apparently).

2. The Commonwealth of Kentucky has a legal requirement that means my auto insurance company must send me, via US mail, a cancellation notice each month. That’s right – since I pay monthly rather than six months at a go, I get a letter each month that says I’m in danger of having my policy canceled. The first time this happened, I freaked out! But customer service calmly explained that they were simply acting according to state law, and I had nothing to fear. I wonder just how much money could be saved by simply removing this archaic law – or even allowing it to be done electronically, via email or text. Think of all those pieces of paper, the crunch time and system resources devoted to processing the production and tracking of the notices….oh and postage of course. For one person it isn’t much, but for an entire state of the insurance company’s customer base? Significant – and for a ‘warning’ that is largely unnecessary and/or unheeded. If you’re going to let your car insurance lapse, a warning isn’t going to sway you because you’re either reckless, broke, or both. I smell pork barrels!

3. My health insurance (Medicare supplement, that is) sends me oodles of email and snail mail to promote ‘special’ patient education and incentive programs, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with me or my health condition. I actually called someone there once and tried explaining that I have no interest in getting ‘points’ for colon screening, and little incentive to tune in to a webinar regarding nutrition, having taken nutrition courses in college. Even less likely am I to adhere to a rewards program for senior preventative health (I’m 43 and disabled, not 65+). Unfortunately I’m going to keep getting their near-spam (I am trademarking that word, hence near-spam(tm)). And we wonder why our trees are disappearing, the information superhighway clogged, and our hard fought cash depleted by insurance premiums. All so Jack can earn points towards that $3 duffel bag with the tacky insurance logo on it.

4. Some states require that an individual carry medical coverage for themselves in their auto policies. That’s right. You may have medical insurance, but that doesn’t mean you won’t automatically be charged a fair chunk of your car insurance premium for “medical costs that are not covered by health insurance” because you’ve incurred more than your allotted maximum. I ask, if I’m hospitalized after a car accident and incur over $100,000 in medical expenses, is it really going to ease my mind that a couple percent of that would be paid by my car insurer? Definitely not worth the cost in my ever so humble opinion.

7. Our health ends in our mouths. Why is dental insurance so much harder for the average Joe to get, and why on earth are we treated by insurance companies as though an infected tooth is something we can choose to ignore? I remember back before mental health coverage became mandatory for health insurance, and I applauded the recognition that our psyches and brains are indeed part of our total health and wellness. Yet any dental procedures are treated as separate and it’s assumed they are voluntary. Did you know that Medicare only covers tooth extraction if a person’s having an organ transplant or is in end stage renal disease? It’s true, even if you have dental problems as a direct result of a medical disease or drugs you must take to treat it. If chiropractors are (rightly) recognized as doctors by most insurers, why aren’t dentists and oral surgeons? My mouth looks attached to the rest of my body. Am I missing something?

6. Ever wonder why a medication might cost you a $30 copay at one pharmacy, and $80 at another? It’s no secret that insurance companies collectively bargain with hospitals, physicians, pharmacies, and other medical providers. We’re more or less led to believe that this saves us money – after all, that example would mean a $50 savings at drugstore A. But take a deeper look. If insurance companies are able to get their ‘network’ providers to slash fees, then either the fees themselves are woefully inflated to begin with or the savings for plan members is being sloughed off onto other customers. There aren’t even any winners here because all this bargaining doesn’t save anybody much in the long run; it’s just a numbers game, one that causes undue stress to direct providers, and you are just a (policy) number, in the bottom line.

“All right,” you say, “I get it. There’s way too much waste and game playing within the insurance realm, so what? It’s business after all.”

True enough. But I would argue that the type of insurance (for simplicity sake let’s stick with health versus auto insurance) can and should affect just how much the numbers game is played with our own money. It goes something like this: If you can afford a car, choose to own one, and choose to drive, there is every reason to expect that you take responsibility for this privilege and insure yourself appropriately. While my earlier examples indicate that you might be paying more than necessary, it’s still true that one can always buy a cheaper car, choose to take public transportation, bum rides, walk, etc. The fact that you exist does not mean you will ever automatically need car insurance, or a car at all.

If, on the other hand, one were to try and avoid needing medical attention, well, that’s not exactly something we can control. It’s safe to say that simply being born—even conceived—most likely means you will receive care from a health professional of some sort. And the cost of that care (plus the ensuing medical care you are almost certainly likely to require during the remainder of your life) has to be paid. Rightly so—we live in a society in which people are expected to earn their keep and to be compensated for their efforts.

Most Americans aren’t prosperous enough to pay for medical costs directly, unless they are extremely lucky, so we rely on health insurance. Here’s the thing though; health insurance is too expensive for a disturbingly large number of us. Not only that – once you have insurance, there’s no guarantee it’s going to make your medical needs affordable anyway. You technically have a choice, to get coverage or not, but you can’t choose to not need medicine. Even if you’re in peak health, you could fall and break a leg, get hit by a drunk driver, contract a rare tropical disease at that elite resort…the list goes on. Getting medical care is a basic human need, not a luxury, and the sooner the powers that be realize it, the sooner we can start reigning in the high costs associated with it, from provider, pharmaceutical company and insurance to life saving medicines.

One reason I’m writing this is to illustrate just how much medication cost inflation and insurance shell-gaming has affected me personally. Remember my first point? About the high cost of the medicine I need? Well, I was told by my rheumatologist over ten years ago that I needed it. It was really the only chance I had at avoiding eventual disability, he said. I had health insurance through my employer (ironically it’s the same company I now have via Medicare, in an odd circle of events). “Yes, of course we’ll cover this drug!” they said. There was just one catch. They’d cover it at 100% for part of the year – that is, after I’d already paid out of pocket $8500 or so. Before that $8500 mark, they would cover the drug at 30%. Well…thirty percent of the cost at that time turned out to be roughly $1500 a month, which was about half my take-home pay. My doctor appealed, my doctor wrote the pharmaceutical company’s assistance program (I had insurance so wasn’t eligible), my doctor appealed again, and in the end, I wound up having to quit work. I’ve not been able to afford this medicine since, and it doesn’t look like I ever will.

I know that there are exorbitant research and development investments that need to be recouped, but one can’t help but wonder how much cheaper the meds could be if they were advertised on television, say, once a day versus twenty-five. I also can’t help but wonder how many prosperous but misinformed patients see the advertising, demand the medicine, pay out of pocket for it, and either don’t really need it, can’t benefit from it, or develop the aforementioned deadly side effects. All of the above hint that the drive for revenue outweighs the needs of the patient, and I’m a living statistic in the proof.

True, I can’t say that lack of access to the drug caused my disability. There is no way to know whether or not it would have been effective for me. But I would have liked the chance to find out. And I would certainly rather be a contributing member of the American work force than someone who still contributes to society but in a far less tangible way (or not at all, if you ask certain closed-minded individuals). So the Industry won, but I lost, my employer lost me, and now I depend on a beast equally intimidating: my private disability insurance payments. I’m thankful I was lucky enough to be covered by my company, and glad I had paid a good sum into my Social Security fund when I was working… but I could devote another column entirely to life on benefits and how the shell games just keep on being played.

Stay healthy, if you can, and hold your policymakers accountable for your policies.

For the record, I do actively advocate for reforms in areas that concern me, including many addressed by this post, and I recommend that any citizen keep informed and keep in touch with lawmakers, business representatives, and concerned parties when it comes to any law or business practice that needs to be changed. I won’t tell you how to feel – just to be sure and express those opinions; it’s a huge part of how democracy works. One tool you may want to explore is the White House’s petition web site, where anyone can create or sign a petition regarding US policy.

(This document created from 100% post consumer recycled words and phrases.)

I’ve Had All I Canned Stand!

If you know me at all or have read my blog, it should come as no surprise to you that I don’t cook much. I’m not of the proud “I just don’t like cooking and screw you if you disagree” crowd. I’m of the “I love cooking but circumstances make it not exactly practical” bunch.

From the time I could stand on a chair and help Mom stir the gravy (“Nice and easy, and keep scraping that bottom so it won’t burn!”), I’ve loved cooking, and over the years I got pretty decent at it. I baked through college, raised a family, and can honestly say I am adept at cooking a wide variety of meals for two to twenty people.

Unfortunately, I’m not two to twenty people, and, much as she’d like to, the dog doesn’t count. Cooking for one… well, ick. And not only that, I have other things (mostly health related) that keep me from doing it.

Ever tried cooking with a wrist brace? Oh, sure, it sounds easy enough til you get your homemade marinara sauce all over the stupid thing and rip it off in disgust, only to find that wow, it really does hurt to stir repeatedly without it. While you were wearing it you spilled tomato puree all over the stove, too, because you had the dexterity of a cooking ox. The onions look like they were chopped by a trained groundhog. And washing a wrist brace is a dodgy business on top of it. I don’t enjoy the lingering smell of onion on anything, least of all a torture device that I only tolerate because it keeps my hand from turning to an unnatural angle when I relax it.

I have no appetite, generally speaking. Of course there are exceptions but on a typical day I literally have to remind myself to eat (or let my canine meal alarm clock remind me). Do not think for one moment that my looks would lead a person to believe this; nonetheless, it’s true.

I prefer to use fresh vegetables and fruit when I cook, but you can probably guess what happens if I buy a head of lettuce. So I keep frozen veggies stocked, but they just aren’t the same.

Even when I feel like cooking and do, I’m so wiped out by the time the meal’s done that I don’t want it. And the dishes? Don’t ask.

So, by and large, I tend to keep easy-to-prepare meal items on hand. If I manage to make myself cook a little something, great. If I’m flaring or whatever, I’ve got alternatives. Quick rice, mashed potatoes, beans, pre-portioned bits of meat, soup, etc.

But tonight I hit rock bottom, and I’m fed up.

It being the day before payday and fast-food salad or pizza delivery escapism therefore impossible, I stooped to eating a can of Spaghettios for supper. I guess there’s nothing wrong with Spaghettios, but in my mind there’s not much right with them either (I’d gotten them back when my daughter was visiting… for some reason I can’t wrap my head around, she loves those things).

I seasoned them up and added Parmesan, thought briefly of adding some kind of protein but decided that if I were going to do that I may as well actually really cook something, and tossed it into the microwave. Oh, I ate it, but I realized that I’m sick to death of this whole eating like a fifteen year old whose parents are on vacation to the Bahamas thing. But what’s an arthritic gal to do?

What’s that? Drive over to have dinner with any one of my nearby sisters? Oh, that’s definitely an option on a given evening, but it involves, well… driving. Which itself is pretty darn hard on me sometimes. Pathetic as it is, there are times when it’s a minor victory for me to get to the gas station or nearest grocery. I’m not complaining about that, really, it’s just what it is.

Frozen dinners may have come a long way, but in my opinion they’ve not come far enough. Canned food tends to be way too high in sodium, and even if I’m taking vitamins like a good girl, that stuff’s not what I consider proper food on a regular basis. I do love salad and will get a huge one at Kroger when I make it there, eat that for a couple days. If I’m out doing something anyway I’ll grab a burger from a drive-through and get a salad for the following day. I drink V8 and fruit juice. But I grew up – and raised my own children – with the dietary tenet that fresh food and well-balanced meals are good for the soul as well as the body. And I miss that.

My solution, of course, is simple genius. I need a housewife (or househusband, or housegenderneutralindividual). It doesn’t matter, because hanky-panky won’t be part of the deal. I’m sure my lucrative lifestyle, physical prowess, sheer excitement quotient, and elite social standing would draw any number of suitors who would agree readily to give up their lives, move into my extremely basic abode, and have me support them in a way to which they are unaccustomed (meaning in a not exactly dirt poor but hardly prosperous manner). All they’d have to do is cook (and maybe do the dishes. Oh and change that light bulb I can’t reach? Thanks. Hon. Oh, and please, scratch my back!). Yeah, I think I’ll try that. In the meantime, tomorrow’s grocery day. Yum, frozen burritos and canned green beans!

Argh, where’s my wrist brace? I tore the velcro open and tossed it aside because I kept mistyping “whiner.”